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Courtney Rae

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(I Will Try To Fix You)

[01 Jan 2006|04:26pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2006 I can't even believe it

Spent it with my favorite people & my baby, great way to bring in the new year:)

(4 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[27 Oct 2005|06:58am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

HAPPY BIRFDAY TO MEEEEEEE:)

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO MADE IT FABULOUS ;)

hehe

(7 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[08 Sep 2004|11:14pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I'd sure hate to breakdown here....

(8 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[18 Aug 2004|06:25am]
[ mood | confused ]

so i wrote something the other day but i guess it didn't work.
ummm...... i'll update later just wanted to say that i'm home, kinda.
why do things have to be so difficult?:(

(6 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[04 Aug 2004|12:45am]

Sorry guys... FRIENDS ONLY

 

  • Comment to be added
  • I just may add you back
  • That is all, haha.

 

 

(And when I get the time to make the sign all cool and shizit, I'll do it.)

 

 

(4 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[22 Mar 2004|04:29pm]

C - You definitely have a partier side in you, dont be shy to show it.

O - You are very open-minded.

U - You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.

R - You are a social butterfly.

T - You have an attitude, a big one.

N - You like to work, but you always want a break.

E - You are a very exciting person.

Y - You cause a lot of trouble.

 

Wow the "social butterfly" reminds me so much of what my Aunt pat said one day while driving shavon erin and I home... remember that?? err I miss her.

 

Today was wonderful, I love days like these. It's amazing how one person can make your whole day good smooth. :)

I sit there and think about that whole year I wasted with that piece of shit, yes still! How everyone told me to break up with him and that I'm better than that, and the entire time I knew I was. Even two psyhcics told me to end it HAHAH! My family never liked him, okay well my dad did.. My aunt Pat never ever did lol, she always said she thought there was something weird about him.. or that one time she caught him.. yeah never mind haha.. I have major plans in mind for that boater, go back to iraq you freaking loser, why don't you do something with your life??!?!!!

 

I really want the evanesence cd, sp?

 

i'm so sick.. i can't stop coughing and as soon as jake asked if my nose was stuffy, and i said no, it magically became stuffy! ha

 

jackie's sick again, alicia said she might be in the hospital, i hope she's okay:\

 

homework time and possible nap, i feel like shat, haha:D

(4 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[20 Mar 2004|12:13pm]

Yeah so I'm cleaning my room right... And my stepmom, dad and I just got done talking about a shitload of stuff, haha they know I smoked pot before now! I'll never do that shit again though haha.. Umm soo.. I couldn't stop thiking about my Aunt tonight for some reason more than ever? I was cleaning out my closet, and I saw my picture books, pictures from like years and years go of Ann Camille and I, and brenda, haha they were great... But I also found pictures of my aunt, like four.. Of her and Travis(my little cousin) too.. & of course I was listening to the radio and that Aerosmith song came on, "Don't wanna miss a thing" and I just start crying, I miss her so much I can't even believe she's gone.. So I have another picture book which is empty, open it up and it was a Christmas card from my stepmom's dad.. i'm like ohhh yeah I remember this, and read it, open it up i see GREEN! i'm like thinking oh a few bucks yeah, NO 50 FRICKIN' BUCKS!! I almost cried haha.. I swear on my LIFE I took that money out at Christmas time, I love you Aunt Pat, she knew I was broke & that I had money in that card haha.. something told me to look through it....

 

I just had to share because that was the coolest thing that has ever happened to me haha

 

eww also threw out gay faggot ass ex boyfriend pictures, hung up with new HOTT guys:) hehehe

I think it's so funny how my entire family hates him now ahhhaha!:)

(7 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[17 Mar 2004|06:10pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

So I tried updating last night about my weekend and crap, but it didn't work.. so here it goes.

Thursday we didn't have school.. so after school I hung out with Tiffany and it was so shitty outside, we just drove around, the trains were being so fucking weird, we waited at them for like 20 minutes each. Got her car fixed, and went to the library, got i hate old crabby women! I really want my book there but they're all out and have been grr! I mind as well just buy it. After that Jackie called us because we were all supposed to go to Hooters, so they met us at BK and we followed them to the one in flint, yeah that was grrrrrrreat! haha it was so much fun. It was Me, Jackie, Tiff, Aaron, Mike, Mike, James, and Chris. After that we were driving home, kinda messin' around and Chris who was in another car, went to switch lanes but obviously didn't check them good enough because he ran right into another car.. So he pulls into someones driveway and the guy comes out like all pissed and asks if anyone is hurt, and no one was.. so he calls the cops.. Yeah Chris's car is TOTALLY fucked up, his whole front end was like off his car. So the cops came but Tiff had to leave so Aaron took her to the express way and then aaron mike james jackie and i just left and went back to mikes. went in his hottub:) it was freezing outside man, there was snow drifts and stuff i thought i had frost bite on my face!! he has the cutest puppies though!!:) watched evolution, k well not me because i fell asleep before it started and woke up to mike poking me haha.. from there i left with jackie and spent the night at her house, woke up because she had cramps, now today i do and had to come home early:(

Friday jackie, mike, james and i went to the movies and saw starsky and hutch, haha that was great! do it DO IT. Umm.. Saturday we all went to the monster truck show thing, that was so much fun! I saw my daddy and brother there, but it was oh so loud. But i really enjoyed myself. last weekend was the best weekend, hopefully this one will be a good one too.

Sunday... i don't remember what i did sunday, oh yeah sleep because i didn't get a chance to do that all weekend!  Tomorrow i'm hanging out with tiff, i wanted to go to the rec but i have cramps so bad, like the worst ever.. continuing my story about my cramps k, i go to school this morning and tell my dad i had cramps all night & this morning and i said if i have them bad i'm coming home, k? i didn't think i was going to get them but sure enough during lunch i do, i go back to spanish after that and they werent THAT bad.. English comes around and i'm DYING i mean dying.. i take my quiz and i'm like ok i'll be right but NO i feel like im gonna puke.. i think to myself i mind as well stay because it's gonna take a while to get home and blah blah, but i couldnt.. so i go down to the office & leave.. i got home and was so fricking sick, i took a bath, almost puked.. michele said she's puked before from cramps:( i really need to go to the docs.. i can't take my meds anymore because the dosage is like too high, and it makes me flip out. so i took tylonal and had screwed up dreams about vampires and JTIMB! that was so crazy i'll have to tell him about that one.. Woke up I slept for like 2 hours.. went tanning.. haha I love it there, megan and her mom are so funny and have the NICEST stuff! I'm going on a shopping spree there when I get money:) she let me tan for free though, and someone walked in on me! haha i love them their so nice.

I also found my prom dress I want so bad, it's from windsor take a LOOKY!:)

https://www.windsorstore.com/catalog.cfm?method=product&product_id=BF9CD3C3-5A89-4BFD-A08AF5F85039C1DA

 

https://www.windsorstore.com/catalog.cfm?method=product&product_id=BA878542-B7B4-4B68-8A0F494AF7EB94E2

 

i really loveeeeeeee the pink one but i don't know!!:)

 

oh and i talked to alexandra yesterday and she was telling me how these girls were talking about me at school, about my aunt & grandmas dying and stuff, and my uncle but i dont think they know that. i'm just curious as to how they know all this, unless they read this thing?? and no i'm not with alen anymore lolol, thank God for that:)

(6 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[28 Jan 2004|11:57am]
[ mood | depressed ]

So.. this makes three, soon to be four.. My aunt Pat passed away this morning around 7:30, and I have no idea what to do with myself. We had a snowday so I was home when my aunt called, and its sick because I didn't realize the answering machine was on, and it got everything. I miss her so much i dont know what the fuck i'm going to do. On monday I went to the hospital to see her, i stayed for almost 4 hours.. my uncle craig grandma judy aunt vicki dad and uncle billy were there, i read her my letter everyone left me to do so.. i cried but i told myself i had to be strong and tell her these things because i'd wouldnt get a chance again, and i'd regret it the rest of my life. I cried so damn much.. when i walked in my grandma said to me, "she was waiting for you, you were the only one she wanted to see" ahh i'm so fricking sad..
Everyone told me, "you were her baby" this is like losing a mom but she was much more of a mom than my own..

God I miss her..

On top of that, my uncle is going to die, he had heart failure and a collapsed lung and has been in hospice for about 12 days.. so this makes four funerals in less than two months.. God what is happening??

I want to thank everyone for being there though i love you guys:( I love you Shavon we'll be okay I promise..

and just to let you know, i missed out on way better things too.. thankfully i have them in my life now though.


rip aunt Pat, i'll never forget you i love you so fricking much:(


fuckkkkk i hate this.


I told myself if she died i wouldnt believe in God anymore, shes gone, and i dont believe in him because he wouldnt do this to anyone.

(I Will Try To Fix You)

[23 Jan 2004|09:04am]
[ mood | sick ]

Thank you to JTIMB who sent me the cutest teddy bear and the softest, along with my jtimbo cd! what a sweetie:)

Right now I feel so sick, like i'm gonna throw up.. I got sick like this when my grandma's died, nerves i guess.. this sucks.

We were suppose to go to wva today but too much snow so PROBABLY tomorrow

man i cant wait for winter breakkkkkkk chris and tony are coming over wooooooo hooooo:) one hell of a time:D which i need

in psych today my teacher was all yeah when bad things happen to you and it doesnt effect you, it would years from now and u could get illnesses from it. sigmund freud did cocanie hahaha

*I know it's hard to love me, but could you try anyways*
aww jeez


well im gonna go call chris bye bye

(4 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[21 Jan 2004|02:49am]
[ mood | scared ]

blahh, i can't say things are getting better, but since new things have came back into my life i'm a little happier.
I just found out today that the school I go to is a college prep school? would woulda known!... haha i guess its good. I'm going to drop spanish I think and go into co-op so i can leave 6th hour and work! woooo yeah. I so don't want to have to drop my psychology class though because I LOVE IT! grrr

So the other day, monday, i went over Chris & Tonys, yay:) They have lived next to my grandma and grandpas old house for their whole life hehe, we used to play when we were little and i used to run chris's foot over with my barbie jeep lol. But yeah I had so much fun, I get over there and we decide to go ice skatinggggggg yay! then sokol came over, their friend, an albo lmaooo yeah he totally looked white but he was cool. so we went ice skating it was fun man i havent ice skating in so damn long, of course chris hadda show off hahaha;) after that we went sledding in this ditch behind the house, oh yyyyyyyyeahhhhhhhh. i really wish i lived close to them, its crazy cuz i'll be on the phone will chris and i think to myself wow, this is that little boy that i used to PLAY with when we were little, now hes a big boy. lol hes so frickin tall and tony is taller my godddd.... haha their coming for a sleep over soon im excited...chris and i have great plans lol;) ooh destructive:D

this weekend i'm going to west virgina most likely if my aunt doesn't pass away... i talked to my uncle billy and we all know she is going to die, its just a matter of when. after someone as weak as her gets taken off life support, 5-7 days later they die.... i honestly can't handle this but chris is right, i cant keep saying i need her it makes me more upset. but i do.:\

well i have a shitload of homework that i better get started on... grrrr

(4 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[17 Jan 2004|09:27am]
[ mood | depressed ]

So yeah.... yesterday i went to the car show which was fun, saw my escalade and loved it.. Today hung out with schoon but came home early because i talked to my dad and he talked to my brother... they took my aunt off life support and they don't even know if she's going to make it through the night. i want to THANK schoon because he was there for me when i was feeling like shit and crying, you dont know how much that meant to me thank you so much ILU. I had a dream last night that my MOM out of all people called me, and told me aunt pat was going to be fine...I wish that'd come to reality. I sat down the other day for over an hour just writing her a note, basically a goodbye note.. Saying everything i've ever wanted to say to her, that i should have but never got a chance.. i want to read it to her, but i don't know if i'll get a chance.. here it is...:\


Aunt Pat,

There is so much I want to say to you, I don't even know where to begin. This is like saying goodbye to a Mother, although you were more of a Mother to me than my own. I honestly thought when we all moved from Stratford, it was going to be for the best, but it turned out for the worst. Everything fell apart, I didn't have a home anymore, home was with you and Grandma Grace, what I'd give to have that back. I'm not unhappy with where I live, because I really do love living with my Dad, Michele, and two little brothers. I wish I could have had the chance when I was little and growing up to spend more time with my dad, so I would know him better. But everything takes time, all that matters is that I'm here now.

I feel so lost, now that Grandma Grace and Grandma Loni are gone, now you're leaving me too. I regret with all my heart not telling you and Grandma how much I loved the both of you, and how thankful I was for having you two in my life. You raised me, although I may not have turned out perfect, I wouldn't have wanted anybody else to do it.

I wish, well I thought you would be apart of my life a little longer than this. Even though deep down inside I knew you were sick. When you first went into the hospital that morning, I recieved a phone call saying what happened. I thought to myself, "could things possibly get any worse?" And of course, they did. I hurried up and got my things together so I could come see you and be there by your side. I came to the hospital to find our family in the waiting room, and Grandma Judy crying. Before I got there, I was told you were going to be okay, thing's really took a wrong turn. I walked over to Grandma Judy and gave her a hug and a kiss and asked what was going on with you. She told me, but I still had faith in you, that you would come home and be okay even if it took time. Because our family isn't a family without you.

I know you'd be glad that Grandma Judy and I actually have conversations now, hopefully we will get a chance to have a Grandma/Grand-daughter relationship like we should have from the start. I know I always asked you why she didn't talk to me, and why she didn't like me. I used to say "she seems to love Chelsea, Travis, and Jeremie, why not me?" You always told me of course she loves you, and it wasn't her choice or fault that we never had a relationship or even a chance to build one. But I understand now whose fault it really was, and I want to fix this and make it right.

I know you have had a lot of people do wrong to you in your life, take advantage and what not. I also know that you may forgive, but you don't forget. I just want you to know that we could both live one-hundred more years, and if I didn't have a single penny to my name, I would never take from you. Maybe it's because I have respect, maybe it's because your my Aunt, my family, because I love you.

I have so many memories of us, when I was little you were always so good to me. You picked me up everyday from Messmore, and we'd go out to lunch. Sometimes you would bring Ellie or Tara, I was always so excited I would see them hanging out of the window after school. I remember when I was little, I used to be scared of just about everything, I would come in your room and sleep with you, just like Grandma did, you gave us comfort. Or how you'd run my bath and fill bubbles up to the ceiling, I always loved that, and you were the only one who would ever do that! The songs you used to sing to me, "This Magic Moment", Once there was a chic chic, who went chic chic all the day, and started into say.. Well you know the rest. Those memories and songs will stay with me for the rest of my life. I'll teach them to my kids, and of course I'll brag to them about how great of a person and a best friend you were... Are. I wanted more than anything for you to be here when I got married and have children of my own. I wanted so much for them to know you. I wanted you to be here when I make something of myself, and prove some people wrong.

But, now more than ever I'm going to put 100% effort into everything I do. Because I want you to be proud of me. I don't really think anyone has told me that they were proud of me, except you. When I started at Anchor Bay you told me how proud you were. I may not have shown it, but it meant so much to me. Sometimes a kid needs to hear those words.

I have so much more to write, but there isn't enough time in the world for me to do so. I don't know who I'm going to come to for advice now, since you gave the best. You truely are the only one who understands me, and knows me inside and out.

In honor of you, my first baby girl will carry on your name, along with both Grandma Grace and Grandma Loni. I want you to know that throughout my entire life, I will never forget you. I'll still talk to you through my prayers, and i'll still see you in my dreams, and even though you may not answer back I'll still ask for your advice, and for what Aunt Pat thinks is best. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you. Why did this have to happen, why now? We need you here with us. I guess the only thing I can do is pray to God for a miracle. Because for some reason, in my heart I don't believe it's your time to go. But, if for some reason God doesn't hear my prayers, or if he thinks its your time... Say Hi to everyone up there for me, tell Grandma Grace and Grandma Loni that I love them and Miss them so much.. It's not the same without them, and surely won't be the same without you. I miss you already, please don't go.

If I could do things over, i'd do them right. You were the only one who looked past peoples' mistakes, even if they kept making the same ones over and over.

Well, this isn't a Goodbye, it's more of I'll see you later, because I will. But please always remember me, your family, and watch over us. Remember that I Love You so so much, Aunt pat. Thank you so much with everything I've got for being you. I'm going to miss you so much. I Love You with all my heart..

Love,
Courtney


I poured my heart and soul into this letter...

(4 | I Will Try To Fix You)

can i just ask... why? [15 Jan 2004|05:23am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

So things we're finally looking up, i'm not with that idiot anymore, school's going well, school is school. I like it here but yet hate it. I want to be by my family. I know this is my family, but my aunt is going to die, i want to be with her.. There isn't anything else they can do, she had an ulcer they removed it, and started bleeding. She is still on life support, they're bringing her home.. to die. Hospis taking her home. I was cleaning my room a few days ago and my dad called me downstairs and said he wanted to talk to me, i knew it was about her. I asked if she was going to die, and he said yes. I was talking to Michele about everything, about how horrible I feel for fighting with her when I did. You think the people who surround you will never die, but that's bullshit. I can't come to reality, otherwise i'll fall apart. What am I going to do without her???? This is going to be the hardest.. I don't know if I should be there when they take her off lifesupport, and watch her die.. My dad said he doesn't think i should, he says i should just want to have good memories of her. Not remembering her like that.

I want to tell her how I feel, she's not even conscious.. I wanted to write her a note, and put it in her casket or read it to her. Casket, GOD I can't believe this is happening..
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I don't have to deal with HIM anymore, i'd rather go through this alone.. But you know what, i'm not going through this alone, I have my family, friends.. and someone else. No comment though, yet, he keeps me happy for now though. I could KICK myself for staying with that bastard, there are absolutely no words for the hatred i hate for him, which feels good in a sick way? Maybe because I never have to deal/talk with him again, and i'm moving on i WILL be happy.

Tomorrow I have great plans, but won't say them because who knows who reads this, i dont want to run into anyone.

Thanks Kelly, for helping me out with this gay lj shit, i love ya:)

havent slept much, i'm sorta worn down, it's like i'm so tired but i can't sleep. it sucks... SOMEONE will have to help me...hopefully

I'm going to get started on that letter....

(6 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[12 Jan 2004|12:37pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I went up north this past weekend and had A LOT of fun, which we all needed considering the terrible few months we've had. Fuzzy navels, hottub, and games all night, it was a riot... But i knew when i came home there'd be bad news waiting for me. I stayed home today because everyone else was, cept kyle, and i get up at like 9 and clean my room and put things in their places to make it look half way decent, my dad calls me downstairs to "talk" and i knew something was wrong. My dad tells me that my aunt pat has no brain activity and that their bringing her home and taking her off life support, so she'll be with everyone. So I asked she's basically going to die right? And he said yes. So yeah people, this will be the third death in my family in the past month. THREE. How can this happen? this makes me think hard about a lot of things, why do I pray every damn night if no one is REALLY listening? Sometimes i pray so hard I cry just because I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER. It was one thing to lose my grandma, she was old even though we didn't expect it, then my grandma loni which was kinda unexpected also. But my Aunt?! I know she's sick but God, she was always there for me my entire life and I DO BELIEVE because we all moved this is the reason all this is happening. I dont give a fuck what anyone says, oh grandma grace would have died a week later on stratford, BULLSHIT. maybe if things were a little different there we could have kept her longer. maybe if my MOTHER would have moved out and we could have stayed THINGS WOULD BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT. i'm so pissed off at the world i swear to god. i'm pissed off at myself for staying with that piece of shit for an entire year, GOD i would never in a million fucking years go back with him. NEVER EVER EVER i'm so over it its like it never happened, but yet again DID because hes a PIECE OF SHIT.

i just want my family back-when i lived on stratford i was like ok i cant wait to get outta here and live some place else. BEFORE we even moved i bawled in my room saying how much i didnt want to move out and how i wanted to stay with my aunt and grandma but not my mom. who was there when i was crying? my aunt. God i'm going to miss her so much, i don't know what the fuck im going to do. I THOUGHT THIS YEAR WAS GOING TO BE A GOOD ONE?? god help me please...

i'm still going to pray for her, so everyone please do the same:(

(2 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[06 Jan 2004|07:00am]
[ mood | excited ]

I don't think about you, I don't like you, and I DO NOT NEED YOU. God that feels great:)

going to call Stef to listen to the priest sing lmaooo....

shavon and i are going to see britney spears march 21st, you're jealous, I KNOW:)
I'm also going up north friday, wooooot wooooooot! fun times:D

(I Will Try To Fix You)

[01 Jan 2004|12:28pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I guess reality doesn't really hit for a while...? We were all going through pictures last night and my grandma Grace was in there a bunch of times and i just stared at her pictures, i miss her so much:( I guess it hasn't hit because my aunt's been in the hospital for almost 14 days so i haven't gone to her condo to see her, and not see my grandma there. I want to cry right now because i'm thinking about it... tomorrow is my grandma loni's services in royal oak at the sullivan funeral home.. I hate funeral homes they're so creepy... I don't want to go, i don't want to see her laying there gone. My grandpa, i feel so terrible whenever i see him.. he just looks so sad, he's been drinking more than he use to before which is a lot. it only numbs the pain. He can't even talk about her or he gets choked up. tonight i went and sat on the couch we were all watching daddy day care, and he puts his arm around me and pulls me toward him and holds my hand, i can't even imagine how losing someone you spent 50 years of your life with would be like...


I know i have to get my shit together with everything/everyone. My new years resolution:I WON'T...AGAIN.. WONT, HAVE PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. Never is never and that's never again. Ann and I had a good talk about someone tonight, oh man she reads my mind! I look at it this way, you can't really love somebody if all you do is want to fight with them and be mean. That's not love darlin', it's just not.
"Scars heal, glory fades, and all we're left with are the memories made. Pain hurts, but only for a minute, your life is short so go on and live it"

it may take time but i'll heal, i'm sick of hurting and being hurt. People can be so cruel.. ok well SOMEONE can be, and i'm just tired of it. if everyone only knew what i was talking about, you'd probably be sick yourself..

Anyways i'm going to sleep, my brother is probably already sleeping in my bed! grrrrr "court when are you comin to bed"? hahaha.... night

(I Will Try To Fix You)

[01 Jan 2004|03:42am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Happy new year everyone, this one will be better i knowwwwwwwww it...!

Uhmm... Last night we all looked at pictures from forever ago, and there were tons of me as a baby, aww:) my grandma Grace, aunt pat, and me too.. i'm keeping those for sure.. Tomorrow is my grandma loni's viewing and i'm in a really shitty/depressed mood today. i'm so bored, and yeah yeah..... help.


shavon come in my hottub NOW! lol






:(:(:(


i need paxil

(2 | I Will Try To Fix You)

grrrr [30 Dec 2003|09:13am]
[ mood | sad ]

you know what seriously, is it TOO much to ask to be fucking happy? i havent been happy in so long. this month has been the worst fucking month ever. Yesterday i went with my dad michele uncle freddy & grandpa to the funeral home, i dont like it its creepy. but then again what funeral home isn't? i guess grandma grace's wasn't as creepy.. but whatever. we had to go into this room to pick a casket for her, since shes being cremated i think we got a wooden one, but im not sure i was trying not to flip out.. i hated it. but who wouldnt? it was a rainy shitty day, which made it 34432432 times worse. i'm so not ready for another fucking funeral.. all in the same month. i feel so aweful for my grandpa, they just bought this house like less than 5 minutes from our house, ok 2.3 miles my dad clocked it.. all to be close with their family & grandkids says my dad.. now shes gone and my grandpa is all alone. i know we're right around the corner, and i guess its better that he moved because if he woulda been at their old house its just a house full of memories.. but then again maybe she wouldn't have died from the stress of moving if they never moved, get it!? 2 months after my grandma grace &aunt pat moved, my grandma died.. the crazy thing is my grandma told norma she doesnt want to die because they moved, & she has heard of that happening.. when older people move they dont adapt well and just die... who would have ever though?:(

after that shitty day... we went and got colin at michele's dads house and kyle stayed the nite... i stayed at my aunt vickis last night because i had to go get the flowers for my grandma's casket today, well pick them out. God that was hard... then i went to see my aunt at the hospital, i walked in and had her eyes half way open. I want her to wake up so badly so i can just talk to her, i miss her so much:( it seems like she was the only one who kept me sane... i can't lose her too:(

i borrowed chelseas britney spears cd, her new one and i'm going to burn it because i love it. number 12, i dont know what it is but i love it.

God I hate my mom so much she keeps calling me, but i don't answer because i just hate her. i blame her for keeping me away from my family, my grandma loni for so long, i could have spent more time with her.. i mean i spelt a lot of time with her but not nearly as much as i should have. everyone tells me how her and my dad always fought to get me but my fucking mom just wouldnt have it.


i didnt sleep at all at my aunts last night i couldnt for some reason, my grandma judy said that the hospital said they were gonna call anytime of the night if my aunt woke up and i told her to come down & get me if she did..so i guess thats what kinda kept me up.. also my grandma and uncle bud fighting cuz he wanted his damn breakfast at 3am in the MORNING. i was like wtF? oh yes, he would like to be called Edward now. fuck that, travis and i were like ok were gonna go upstairs and be like HI UNCLE BUD:) hes such an ass, i know hes old but hes soooo CRABBY! he needs to move in with my mom...

i was forgetting about everything a little.. i was watching the simple life, and walked into my dads room cuz i was gonna watch rich girls & i look on the caller id and my grandma's name showed up because my grandpa called...

I pray to GOD this year will be better.....:(

all i want to do is cry, cry, cry, cry im soooooooo upset...

i hate being treated like shit, you know who you are and i want to let you know you hurt me so much, dont act like you care when you really dont ok? you dont have any idea what i'm going through all you care about is speaking your opinions and you need to keep it to yourself right now because i can't deal with it. i just CAN'T.

i had to have my daddy pick me up early from the hospital because i felt lightheaded like i was gonna pass out....grrrrrr i'm soooooo frustrated.:(

(8 | I Will Try To Fix You)

[28 Dec 2003|07:20am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Last night my grandma Loni passed away at the hospital...she was really sick but i didn't expect it... i spent the night throwing up once again, when am i gonna stop LOSING people i care so much about?? I kind of want to write her eulogy and speak at the funeral.. but then again i don't know if i could make it through, it'd be so hard.
I blame my mom for being such a piece of shit to her, i hate that bitch so much and i hope she gets everything that's coming to her because she DESERVES IT.
My dad told me last night when i came downstairs he gave me a kiss and said "grandma died" i just fell, i can't believe all of this is happening.

at least she isn't sick anymore, right???:(

i n e e d t o g e t a w a y

(2 | I Will Try To Fix You)

merry christmas.......well LATE christmas [26 Dec 2003|11:19am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

So Christmas was alright, didn't get much but that's not what matters.. I was with my daddy brothers and michele and that's a first. I've never had a christmas with my dad so it was nice. I did get 170$ which was awesome. 50 from taking my uncle to his appointments, 40 from my grandma, 30 from my other uncle, and 50 from michele's DAD! I also got this really cute set of candels, it has three different ones and comes on a platter thing with a bunch of seashells, that should go good because i'm doing my room in palm trees and stuff:) like i always wanted.

So last night we all had dinner here, and around 6 my grandpa took my grandma to the hospital.. AGAIN and shes sick with pnemonia.. wow i have no clue how to spell that one.. But she's in ICU, so i have two people in ICU right now... Hopefully what lauren said is true, sometimes people say bad things come in three well.. i've had my three bad things, i'm ready to call it quits now.

i'm wactching my brothers right now while my dad& michele visit my grandma, i got only a few hours of sleep last night i'm so tired. Colin is sleeping & kyle wont put down that gameboy, damn you santaaaaaaaaa >:o

anyway baby is waking up be back later


ooh p.s.... good job on blowing it, maybe you should watch your mouth before you speak, cuz i can say some hurtful things too. i won't forgive you for this, you should fucking be the nicest person to me right now & ur a piece of shit yet again.. I'M OVER IT

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