Courtney Rae (beach182bum) wrote,
Courtney Rae

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can i just ask... why?

So things we're finally looking up, i'm not with that idiot anymore, school's going well, school is school. I like it here but yet hate it. I want to be by my family. I know this is my family, but my aunt is going to die, i want to be with her.. There isn't anything else they can do, she had an ulcer they removed it, and started bleeding. She is still on life support, they're bringing her home.. to die. Hospis taking her home. I was cleaning my room a few days ago and my dad called me downstairs and said he wanted to talk to me, i knew it was about her. I asked if she was going to die, and he said yes. I was talking to Michele about everything, about how horrible I feel for fighting with her when I did. You think the people who surround you will never die, but that's bullshit. I can't come to reality, otherwise i'll fall apart. What am I going to do without her???? This is going to be the hardest.. I don't know if I should be there when they take her off lifesupport, and watch her die.. My dad said he doesn't think i should, he says i should just want to have good memories of her. Not remembering her like that.

I want to tell her how I feel, she's not even conscious.. I wanted to write her a note, and put it in her casket or read it to her. Casket, GOD I can't believe this is happening..
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I don't have to deal with HIM anymore, i'd rather go through this alone.. But you know what, i'm not going through this alone, I have my family, friends.. and someone else. No comment though, yet, he keeps me happy for now though. I could KICK myself for staying with that bastard, there are absolutely no words for the hatred i hate for him, which feels good in a sick way? Maybe because I never have to deal/talk with him again, and i'm moving on i WILL be happy.

Tomorrow I have great plans, but won't say them because who knows who reads this, i dont want to run into anyone.

Thanks Kelly, for helping me out with this gay lj shit, i love ya:)

havent slept much, i'm sorta worn down, it's like i'm so tired but i can't sleep. it sucks... SOMEONE will have to help me...hopefully

I'm going to get started on that letter....
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