Courtney Rae (beach182bum) wrote,
Courtney Rae
beach182bum

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So yeah.... yesterday i went to the car show which was fun, saw my escalade and loved it.. Today hung out with schoon but came home early because i talked to my dad and he talked to my brother... they took my aunt off life support and they don't even know if she's going to make it through the night. i want to THANK schoon because he was there for me when i was feeling like shit and crying, you dont know how much that meant to me thank you so much ILU. I had a dream last night that my MOM out of all people called me, and told me aunt pat was going to be fine...I wish that'd come to reality. I sat down the other day for over an hour just writing her a note, basically a goodbye note.. Saying everything i've ever wanted to say to her, that i should have but never got a chance.. i want to read it to her, but i don't know if i'll get a chance.. here it is...:\


Aunt Pat,

There is so much I want to say to you, I don't even know where to begin. This is like saying goodbye to a Mother, although you were more of a Mother to me than my own. I honestly thought when we all moved from Stratford, it was going to be for the best, but it turned out for the worst. Everything fell apart, I didn't have a home anymore, home was with you and Grandma Grace, what I'd give to have that back. I'm not unhappy with where I live, because I really do love living with my Dad, Michele, and two little brothers. I wish I could have had the chance when I was little and growing up to spend more time with my dad, so I would know him better. But everything takes time, all that matters is that I'm here now.

I feel so lost, now that Grandma Grace and Grandma Loni are gone, now you're leaving me too. I regret with all my heart not telling you and Grandma how much I loved the both of you, and how thankful I was for having you two in my life. You raised me, although I may not have turned out perfect, I wouldn't have wanted anybody else to do it.

I wish, well I thought you would be apart of my life a little longer than this. Even though deep down inside I knew you were sick. When you first went into the hospital that morning, I recieved a phone call saying what happened. I thought to myself, "could things possibly get any worse?" And of course, they did. I hurried up and got my things together so I could come see you and be there by your side. I came to the hospital to find our family in the waiting room, and Grandma Judy crying. Before I got there, I was told you were going to be okay, thing's really took a wrong turn. I walked over to Grandma Judy and gave her a hug and a kiss and asked what was going on with you. She told me, but I still had faith in you, that you would come home and be okay even if it took time. Because our family isn't a family without you.

I know you'd be glad that Grandma Judy and I actually have conversations now, hopefully we will get a chance to have a Grandma/Grand-daughter relationship like we should have from the start. I know I always asked you why she didn't talk to me, and why she didn't like me. I used to say "she seems to love Chelsea, Travis, and Jeremie, why not me?" You always told me of course she loves you, and it wasn't her choice or fault that we never had a relationship or even a chance to build one. But I understand now whose fault it really was, and I want to fix this and make it right.

I know you have had a lot of people do wrong to you in your life, take advantage and what not. I also know that you may forgive, but you don't forget. I just want you to know that we could both live one-hundred more years, and if I didn't have a single penny to my name, I would never take from you. Maybe it's because I have respect, maybe it's because your my Aunt, my family, because I love you.

I have so many memories of us, when I was little you were always so good to me. You picked me up everyday from Messmore, and we'd go out to lunch. Sometimes you would bring Ellie or Tara, I was always so excited I would see them hanging out of the window after school. I remember when I was little, I used to be scared of just about everything, I would come in your room and sleep with you, just like Grandma did, you gave us comfort. Or how you'd run my bath and fill bubbles up to the ceiling, I always loved that, and you were the only one who would ever do that! The songs you used to sing to me, "This Magic Moment", Once there was a chic chic, who went chic chic all the day, and started into say.. Well you know the rest. Those memories and songs will stay with me for the rest of my life. I'll teach them to my kids, and of course I'll brag to them about how great of a person and a best friend you were... Are. I wanted more than anything for you to be here when I got married and have children of my own. I wanted so much for them to know you. I wanted you to be here when I make something of myself, and prove some people wrong.

But, now more than ever I'm going to put 100% effort into everything I do. Because I want you to be proud of me. I don't really think anyone has told me that they were proud of me, except you. When I started at Anchor Bay you told me how proud you were. I may not have shown it, but it meant so much to me. Sometimes a kid needs to hear those words.

I have so much more to write, but there isn't enough time in the world for me to do so. I don't know who I'm going to come to for advice now, since you gave the best. You truely are the only one who understands me, and knows me inside and out.

In honor of you, my first baby girl will carry on your name, along with both Grandma Grace and Grandma Loni. I want you to know that throughout my entire life, I will never forget you. I'll still talk to you through my prayers, and i'll still see you in my dreams, and even though you may not answer back I'll still ask for your advice, and for what Aunt Pat thinks is best. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you. Why did this have to happen, why now? We need you here with us. I guess the only thing I can do is pray to God for a miracle. Because for some reason, in my heart I don't believe it's your time to go. But, if for some reason God doesn't hear my prayers, or if he thinks its your time... Say Hi to everyone up there for me, tell Grandma Grace and Grandma Loni that I love them and Miss them so much.. It's not the same without them, and surely won't be the same without you. I miss you already, please don't go.

If I could do things over, i'd do them right. You were the only one who looked past peoples' mistakes, even if they kept making the same ones over and over.

Well, this isn't a Goodbye, it's more of I'll see you later, because I will. But please always remember me, your family, and watch over us. Remember that I Love You so so much, Aunt pat. Thank you so much with everything I've got for being you. I'm going to miss you so much. I Love You with all my heart..

Love,
Courtney


I poured my heart and soul into this letter...
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