Courtney Rae (beach182bum) wrote,
Courtney Rae

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you know what seriously, is it TOO much to ask to be fucking happy? i havent been happy in so long. this month has been the worst fucking month ever. Yesterday i went with my dad michele uncle freddy & grandpa to the funeral home, i dont like it its creepy. but then again what funeral home isn't? i guess grandma grace's wasn't as creepy.. but whatever. we had to go into this room to pick a casket for her, since shes being cremated i think we got a wooden one, but im not sure i was trying not to flip out.. i hated it. but who wouldnt? it was a rainy shitty day, which made it 34432432 times worse. i'm so not ready for another fucking funeral.. all in the same month. i feel so aweful for my grandpa, they just bought this house like less than 5 minutes from our house, ok 2.3 miles my dad clocked it.. all to be close with their family & grandkids says my dad.. now shes gone and my grandpa is all alone. i know we're right around the corner, and i guess its better that he moved because if he woulda been at their old house its just a house full of memories.. but then again maybe she wouldn't have died from the stress of moving if they never moved, get it!? 2 months after my grandma grace &aunt pat moved, my grandma died.. the crazy thing is my grandma told norma she doesnt want to die because they moved, & she has heard of that happening.. when older people move they dont adapt well and just die... who would have ever though?:(

after that shitty day... we went and got colin at michele's dads house and kyle stayed the nite... i stayed at my aunt vickis last night because i had to go get the flowers for my grandma's casket today, well pick them out. God that was hard... then i went to see my aunt at the hospital, i walked in and had her eyes half way open. I want her to wake up so badly so i can just talk to her, i miss her so much:( it seems like she was the only one who kept me sane... i can't lose her too:(

i borrowed chelseas britney spears cd, her new one and i'm going to burn it because i love it. number 12, i dont know what it is but i love it.

God I hate my mom so much she keeps calling me, but i don't answer because i just hate her. i blame her for keeping me away from my family, my grandma loni for so long, i could have spent more time with her.. i mean i spelt a lot of time with her but not nearly as much as i should have. everyone tells me how her and my dad always fought to get me but my fucking mom just wouldnt have it.

i didnt sleep at all at my aunts last night i couldnt for some reason, my grandma judy said that the hospital said they were gonna call anytime of the night if my aunt woke up and i told her to come down & get me if she i guess thats what kinda kept me up.. also my grandma and uncle bud fighting cuz he wanted his damn breakfast at 3am in the MORNING. i was like wtF? oh yes, he would like to be called Edward now. fuck that, travis and i were like ok were gonna go upstairs and be like HI UNCLE BUD:) hes such an ass, i know hes old but hes soooo CRABBY! he needs to move in with my mom...

i was forgetting about everything a little.. i was watching the simple life, and walked into my dads room cuz i was gonna watch rich girls & i look on the caller id and my grandma's name showed up because my grandpa called...

I pray to GOD this year will be better.....:(

all i want to do is cry, cry, cry, cry im soooooooo upset...

i hate being treated like shit, you know who you are and i want to let you know you hurt me so much, dont act like you care when you really dont ok? you dont have any idea what i'm going through all you care about is speaking your opinions and you need to keep it to yourself right now because i can't deal with it. i just CAN'T.

i had to have my daddy pick me up early from the hospital because i felt lightheaded like i was gonna pass out....grrrrrr i'm soooooo frustrated.:(
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